dannyboy-to-thedoctor:

rneerkat:

*pulls out bread at wedding* i’d like to make a toast

NO YOU DON’T GET IT 

MY DAD LEGIT DID THIS IN HIS SPEECH

AT HIS OWN WEDDING

it was hidden in his inside-jacket pocket while he made his vows to my mum, and it was so top-secret that his best man had to smuggle in a slice of toast so no one saw it while he was getting ready. 

…HIS OWN FUCKING WEDDING



officialunitedstates:

My sister Jenny had finally turned 22 and her birthday gift was rain. 
"Cover your eyes," I said after I showed up unexpectedly at her apartment.  "I have a surprise for you."
After a bit of convincing she went along with it, and I led her down five flights of stairs to the lobby. 
She asked if we could have just taken the elevator.
"You’re not supposed to use the elevator when it’s raining.  I read that once.  I also like how they’re called flights.  Where’s the plane?  Haha."  She didn’t laugh at my joke.  I told her she could open her eyes now and she did. 
"What? Where’s this surprise?" she asked.
"I know how much you like rain.  It’s your birthday and it is raining.  Happy birthday, sis."
She looked out into the bustling, wet street and then gave me a sour look.  I gave her a sweet look.  She walked away.  I walked a way. 
"Look, Jenny, to be honest, I would have bought you a present but my wallet is empty," I said as I reached into my back pocket and showed her my empty wallet.  I had emptied it out the night before but she didn’t need to know that.  I even took out my library card.  That’s not even currency.  I definitely could have left that in there and she still would have thought I was broke.
She looked at the floor, letting her curly blond hair become unfurled, grinned, and then looked back up at me.  “It’s okay, I like your present.  At the very least it shows that you care about me.” 
And that’s how I got away with giving my sister rain for her 22nd birthday so I could buy sixteen globes the next day and smash them all with a baseball bat in the middle of times square.

officialunitedstates:

My sister Jenny had finally turned 22 and her birthday gift was rain. 

"Cover your eyes," I said after I showed up unexpectedly at her apartment.  "I have a surprise for you."

After a bit of convincing she went along with it, and I led her down five flights of stairs to the lobby. 

She asked if we could have just taken the elevator.

"You’re not supposed to use the elevator when it’s raining.  I read that once.  I also like how they’re called flights.  Where’s the plane?  Haha."  She didn’t laugh at my joke.  I told her she could open her eyes now and she did. 

"What? Where’s this surprise?" she asked.

"I know how much you like rain.  It’s your birthday and it is raining.  Happy birthday, sis."

She looked out into the bustling, wet street and then gave me a sour look.  I gave her a sweet look.  She walked away.  I walked a way. 

"Look, Jenny, to be honest, I would have bought you a present but my wallet is empty," I said as I reached into my back pocket and showed her my empty wallet.  I had emptied it out the night before but she didn’t need to know that.  I even took out my library card.  That’s not even currency.  I definitely could have left that in there and she still would have thought I was broke.

She looked at the floor, letting her curly blond hair become unfurled, grinned, and then looked back up at me.  “It’s okay, I like your present.  At the very least it shows that you care about me.” 

And that’s how I got away with giving my sister rain for her 22nd birthday so I could buy sixteen globes the next day and smash them all with a baseball bat in the middle of times square.



retroactiveeurydices:

oxheadandhorsefacearedead:

retroactiveeurydices:

koalatea:

i dont need a boyfriend i need 12 million dollars and a donut 

12 million dollars can be used to obtain many donuts.

explain how

money can be exchanged for goods and services



vvhitehouse:

aneastcoastbreeze:

vvhitehouse:

advantages to wearing oversized sweaters:

  • instant cute outfit with minimal effort
  • it enhances the coziness when u drink hot beverages
  • sweater paws are guaranteed to make u feel 43% more adorable
  • u can unbutton ur jeans and no one will know

disadvantages to wearing oversized sweaters:

Guys think they’re totally not cute lol

the day i dress for a man is the day they dress me in my coffin to see jesus



charizard:

im not even gonna lie he look like the cow



asd123123sadzkmxkclekrmds:

dog goes woof
cat goes meow
i wipe my brow and i sweat my rust
cow goes moo
the chemicals



SONG: UnknownFuneral
ARTIST: UnknownTo Kill A King
ALBUM: UnknownCannibals With Cutlery
PLAYED: 1309 times

skyberia:

Funeral | To Kill a King

I must make more friends
So they’ll be hanging at my funeral
Just to make my parents proud
Just to make my parents smile



faeryies:

thanks

faeryies:

thanks



sirbombalot:

Fill your heart with bees. If someone breaks your heart, then they have to deal with the bees.



alieniverson:

oh no a boy doesnt like my apperance whatever will i do



cisgirlau:

i took a 6 hr nap and im honestly so out of it i just bit into a blueberry poptart and said “this tastes like sesame street”





Each Zodiac Sign Described Perfectly (MUST READ)

zodiacbrain:

ARIES - The Aggressive (March 21 to April 19) Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny… Excellent kisser. EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, and family is very important to an Aries. Aries are known for being generous and giving. Addictive. Loud. Always has the need to be ‘Right’. Aries will argue to prove their point for hours and hours. Aries are some of the most wonderful people in the world. 

TAURUS - The Tramp (April 20 to May 20) Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight. Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self-centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it. They love to sleep and can be lazy. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 

GEMINI - The Twin (May 21 to June 20) Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners. Very good at confusing people. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Geminis will not take any crap from anyone. Geminis like to tell people what they should do and get offended easily. They are great at losing things and are forgetful. Geminis can be very sarcastic and childish at times and are very nosy. Trustworthy. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing. VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. 

CANCER - The Beauty (June 21 to July 22) MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. A Cancer’s love is one of a kind… Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet in your life. Entirely creative person, most are artists and insane, respectfully speaking. They perfected sex and do it often. Extremely random. An ultimate freak. Extremely funny and is usually the life of the party. Most Cancers will take you under their wing and into their hearts where you will remain forever. Cancers make love with a passion beyond compare. Spontaneous. Not a fighter, but will kick your ass good if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to! 

LEO - The Lion (July 23 to August 22) Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish. A Leo’s problem becomes everyone’s problem. Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 

VIRGO - The One that Waits (August 23 to September 22) Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. A pushover. Loves to gamble and take chances. Needs to have the last say in everything. They think they know everything and usually do. Respectful to others but you will quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards them and never regain respect. They do not forgive and never forget. The one and only. 

LIBRA - The Lame One (September 23 to October 22) Nice to everyone they meet. Their love is one of a kind. Silly, funny and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However, not the kind of person you want to mess with… you might end up crying. Libras can cause as much havoc as they can prevent. Faithful friends to the end. Can hold a grudge for years. Libras are someone you want on your side. Usually great at sports and are extreme sports fanatics. Very creative. A hopeless romantic. 

SCORPIO - The Addict (October 23 to November 21) EXTREMELY adorable. Loves to joke. Very good sense of humor. Will try almost anything once. Loves to be pampered. Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme. Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it but just as good at spending it! Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if is disrespected by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring. 


SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One (November 22 to December 21) Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time. Loses patience easily and will not take crap. If in a bad mood stay FAR away. Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever. Loves deeply but at times will not show it, feels it is a sign of weakness. Has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person. Defends loved ones with all their abilities. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying.

CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover (December 22 to January 19) Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Grouchy at times and annoying to some. Lazy and love to take it easy, but when they find a job or something they like to do they put their all into it. Proud, understanding and sweet. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to win against other signs in sports, especially Gemini’s. Likes to cook but would rather go out To eat at good restaurants. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.

AQUARIUS - Does It in the Water (January 20 to February 18) Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Tries hard. Will take on any project. Proud of themselves in whatever they do. Messy and unorganized. Procrastinators. Great lovers, when they’re not sleeping. Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more than their family. Can be VERY irritating to others when they try to explain or tell a story. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a fighter, but will knock your lights out.

PISCES - The Partner for Life (February 19 to March 20) Caring and kind. Smart. Likes to be the center of attention. Very organized. High appeal to opposite sex. Likes to have the last word. Good to find, but hard to keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers. Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily. VERY caring. They always try to do the right thing and sometimes get the short end of the stick. They sometimes get used by others and get hurt because of their trusting. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good sense of humor!! Thoughtful. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. Good friend to others but needs to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be.



corncop:

people are following me probably thinking im cool

truth is 

you are completely right



uNFOLLOWER?????

THE BIBLE SAID ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND LEAVE